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Saturday, August 1, 2009

Corpses for Change: New Plan to Solve America's "Problems"

The following is my proposed plan, entirely consistent with the Left's ideology of sacrifice and egalitarianism, that I urge Obama submit to Congress for an immediate vote.

Except for Washington D.C., Hollywood, and the upper West Side of Manhattan, I propose that Obama systematically murder everyone in the United States. This would solve several problems.

First, rather than the relatively minor human destruction resulting from "cap and trade", this plan would lower America's "carbon footprint" dramatically. This will come as great relief to the rest of the world's environmentalists, who accuse the United States of consuming an "unfair" portion of the earth's resources, which evidently is not a function of production but of the ratio of a countries population to the square footage of earth. Also, it will dramatically limit urban sprawl, wetland erosion, and greatly limit global cooling - I mean warming - I mean climate change. In fact, I advocate a new government program, "Corpses for Land", be created where bodies could be burned and used as fertilizer to grow new forests and jungles. Oh wait, burning the corpses would cause an increase in carbon emissions, so maybe just let them rot and change the name to "Rotting Corpses for Land." Al Gore will be commissioned to study the possible effects of the rotting corpses on temperature one hundred years from now.

Second, the plan will significantly lower health care costs, which supposedly is a goal of the new health care bill. Since, we are told, insurance companies and greedy doctors are to blame, not crippling government intervention in the health care market, the problem will be solved by eliminating them. The CBO will, of course, have to make a provision in the budget for a one time charge off due to the costs of disposing of the corpses. The Federal Reserve can just print money to fund this, a program we can dub "CORF" (Corpse Removal Funding Program). It will further reduce costs by limiting the number of jails the Federal Government would have needed to imprison doctors or patients who would have violated any provisions of the new health care bill. The latter I dub the "Limiting Jail Construction Due to Dead Doctors Who Can't Violate Government Regulations Enforcing Slavery of Doctors Act".

Third, it will reduce exploitation of the proletariat by the capitalists. No longer will workers in America or the Third World ever again toil in an American factory where they voluntarily exchanged their labor for wages. No longer will the workers have to voluntarily suffer at the hand of entrepreneurs, inventors, and businessmen who created and built factories to produce goods that consumers voluntarily purchased to improve their lives. This plan I call the "No More Evil Factories Where People Work to Make Things People Want Initiative."

Fourth, it will cut down on military spending, which has been a primary goal of the Left for decades. Since there will be virtually no Americans, no military will be needed to protect American interests abroad. If those left in the country are attacked, the program provides funding for "Beer Summits" to be held with the foreign invaders in order to discuss their feelings and assure them that America will no longer exploit them and cause them to behead their enemies and blow themselves up in shopping malls.

Fifth, the murder of virtually everyone will dramatically reduce offensive speech or ideas that the Left does not like. This will mitigate the need for "speech codes", "fairness doctrines" on the internet or talk radio, and campaign finance regulations to prevent people from talking about politics.

Sixth, by murdering everyone that lives outside of these strongly Democratic jurisdictions, they can preserve their majority in the Congress. In effect, this would amount to a form of genocidal gerrymandering which must be good since, according to pragmatism, we can only judge an action by whether or not it "works".

I suggest that Obama study the work of Comrade Joseph Stalin, one of the most prominent communists of all time, who murdered between 20 and 100 million people during his reign of terror from 1922 to 1953. Or, he could study Pol Pot and his Khmer Rouge who murdeded 1/3 of Cambodia's population [updated]. Or, he could study Hitler, Mao, Castro, Kim Il Jong and many others who actually carried out this plan. Of course, they will likely still find a way to be over budget. But, none of us will have to care.


garret seinen said...

Doug, while the bulge in your cheek is showing, it is not as far fetched an idea as it seems.

I believe every redistributive government IS at war with their own citizens. There being only one source of wealth, all productive activity, it follows that laws must be written to deny the moral right of a producer to the goods produced. While the shooting hasn't started, the fines and the jails are but the first steps.

That said, I think there are two distinctly different interventionist style. The pragmatic moral redistributer tries to gather the eggs as they are laid. The zealous anticapitalist just want to blindly strangle the goose, oblivious even to their own plight. Feel free to place Mr Obama in whatever category he deserves.

But until the immorality of 'legislation to eliminate needs' is recognized, the 'good intentions' will continue to pave that road to hell.

Richard said...

Haha, well put. You know I had a similar thought not long ago when Michael Jackson died. There was so much activity brought to Los Angeles for his memorial and funeral I thought to myself that M.J.'s corpse probably "produced" more jobs than any of Obama's plans.

And so far from leaving Hollywood untouched, it occurred to me that Washington could sacrifice the biggest celebrities to "create jobs". Madonna for example could "stimulate" the economy with an all-out casket tour of the industrialized nations. Plus leftist stars would finally have a chance to put up or shut up.

Michael Smith said...

garret observed:

That said, I think there are two distinctly different interventionist style.

Obama’s constituency includes both groups. One I call merely the welfare-worshippers, comprising such groups as the professional race-baiters, the feminists, the public employee unions, public educators, those pushing for socialized medicine -- all those seeking to obtain a share of the welfare state loot. This group, at root, wants the producers chained and throttled, but still producing so there will be something to loot.

The other group, which makes the first seem innocent by comparison, are the environmentalists. This groups wants the producers dead -- and wants most of mankind to die a slow, agonizing, rot-by-poverty death.

That these two groups are incompatible -- that satisfying one group necessarily means frustrating the other -- is of absolutely no concern to Obama. His pragmatism permits him to pretend that both groups can be satisfied - even as he promises the American people that his policies will produce prosperity. Fundamentally, I don’t think Obama cares which group prevails -- virtual enslavement or outright destruction of the producers, either outcome will be fine with him.

Michael Labeit said...

I actually have been lobbying on behalf of the funeral home industry to get government authorities to kill people in order to increase net revenue. I call it a "population readjustment initiative."

Henrik Sundholm said...

A funny yet sad "reductio ad absurdum"!

Unknown said...

Doug, my wife adds "what a death-tax winfall for THE STATE"

Maybe you should keep this quiet...

Perplexio said...

Be careful with your criticisms of Obama's health care plan. If you're caught by one of Obama's leftist stoolies you could be reported for spreading "disinformation":

There is a lot of disinformation about health insurance reform out there, spanning from control of personal finances to end of life care. These rumors often travel just below the surface via chain emails or through casual conversation. Since we can’t keep track of all of them here at the White House, we’re asking for your help. If you get an email or see something on the web about health insurance reform that seems fishy, send it to flag@whitehouse.gov.

Speaking of spreading "disinformation" The above is taken straight from Whitehouse.gov

The Rat Cap said...


I saw this bit of insanity earlier and have a new post about it. On second thought, your comment was a bit fishy...

Per-Olof Samuelsson said...

I have to point out one factual error in this post: Pol Pot was in Cambodia, not Vietnam. Of course, that doesn't really change anything. Your idea is still brilliant. ;-)

The Rat Cap said...


Your are absolutely right. Thanks for pointing that out and the compliment.

Take good care,


Ryan said...

It's a modest proposal in my opinion. Maybe the corpses could be used to feed other countries.

The Rat Cap said...


Good thinking. It would not be fair to selfishly hoard the corpses only for America's benefit. This could be deemed partial reparations for all the damage Americans have done to the world. If it weren't for us, the rest of the world would be so happy.

Anonymous said...


Regarding the potential leftist celebrity corpses that they'd finally have a chance to "both put up and shut up." Corpses being notoriously non-loquacious.

C. Andrew