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Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Attention Global Citizen: Faux 'Fried Chicken' is Now Mandatory and Your Sex Toys Must Not Contain Phthalates

According to today's Drudge Report:
"This morning, PETA sent a letter to former vice president Al Gore explaining to him that the best way to fight global warming is to go vegetarian and offering to cook him faux 'fried chicken' as an introduction to meat-free meals.

The effect that our meat addiction is having on the climate is truly staggering. In fact, in its recent report “Livestock’s Long Shadow—Environmental Issues and Options,” the United Nations determined that raising animals for food generates more greenhouse gases than all the cars and trucks in the world combined. "
Wait, weren't we just told that we have to stop driving SUV's and sending flowers on airplanes? They never mentioned the animals!

Furthermore, I thought that PETA liked animals so if we eat less then won't farmers breed less leading to a reduction in the number of animals? What about the rights of unborn animals? And what are the farmers going to do in the short run if people stop eating meat - slaughter them? I wonder if PETA knows how quickly we should slaughter them to stop them from emitting? Hopefully, PETA members will volunteer to help slaughter them all.

If we eat more vegetables won't that increase the need for farmland, tractors and pesticides? Oh wait, everyone will have their own garden and grow their own food like the 'old days'. That'll be fun and convenient. Even though we will live hand to mouth every day I'm sure we'll all have plenty of time to research medicine, attend art galleries, surf the web, and explore space.

Now, apparently there must be a perfect number of animals such that the "emissions" from these animals don't cause global warming. I wonder if PETA can tell us how many? Hey, maybe that's what happened to the dinosaurs - they must have had tremendous emissions and maybe they warmed the planet up enough to... wait, weren't they killed by an ice age or a meteorite or something? Oh well.

Oh and by the way, referring to a different type of "meat addiction" (laugh track):
Greenpeace has released a list of strategies for "getting it on for the good of the planet," suggesting "you can be a bomb in bed without nuking the planet." TreeHugger, an online magazine edited by Ontario's Michael Graham Richard, has just published a guide on "how to green your sex life." The famed adult store Good Vibrations announced last week they would no longer sell sex toys containing phthalates, controversial chemical plasticizers believed by some to be hazardous to humans and the environment alike.
And not to be outdone:
"Brothel owners in Bulgaria are blaming global warming for staff shortages." 
So, if you have read my past posts including this one you should be able now to understand the following and have scientific support for your action plan:

To Summarize:

1) Stop "meat addiction" to lessen global warming
2) Stop sending Valentine bouquets to reduce "flower miles"
3) Only buy sex toys that do not contain chemical plasticizers

As a Result:

1) Starving people will not turn terrorist and try and attack the West or at least come here (unless they're starving because they won't eat faux 'fried chicken')
2) Suicides will lessen
3) Bulgarian brothels will have more prostitutes
4) Polar Bears will not be floating in the river
5) Al Gore will be bored

And I said that Environmentalists are not concerned with human beings....

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